Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Dissociation and why spoons are not for everyone

July 20, 2010 3 comments

Ever since hearing about spoon theory not too long ago, I’ve been trying to reconcile it with my experiences. I have issues with dissociation and depression, and from hearing other people with similar issues talk about “counting spoons” I thought it might help with my self-care. Unfortunately it hasn’t been working.

Take this morning for example. I woke up early (hey, 9 am is early for an unemployed student on break), took a shower, and treated myself to a decent breakfast. I felt good. Taking stock of myself I began making plans for the day. Not far into my carrying out of said plans everything broke down. For some reason, getting a glass of orange juice and starting the dishes was too much for me. I had a particularly horrible dissociation experience, my limbs became unfamiliar, as did all the sensations coming from them, as did my internal organs, making every breath and beat of my heart a violent attack. In half an hour I went from happy and functional to lying on my bed begging an empty room to “make it stop”. I haven’t figured a coping method to deal with the internal stuff (I can’t really cover up my organs like I do my limbs because they’re already inside me), so the only way to escape was to relax enough to fall asleep for a couple hours. Spoons can’t cover this sort of event; I went from having plenty more than I needed to not being able to move very quickly with no warning or triggers.

The opposite happens with my depression. Oftentimes I feel like I don’t have the energy for something, force myself to do it anyway, and it ends up being what makes me feel better. It’s the amazing fluctuating spoons, they crash and replenish of their own accord and counting them at the beginning of the day isn’t going to do me any good particularly. The best I can do is try to figure out what causes crashes (if anything) and prevent that.